We got up early-ish for our first land day of the cruise. Roatan, Honduras is a beautiful island in the Caribbean all of 1-2 miles across and 43 miles long. We had a day of Kayaking and snorkeling planned, so we loaded up our plates and then met our tour group on the pier. After a short bus ride, we arrived at the West End of the island for our workout of a day.
Snorkeling happened after we arrived at the Sea Breeze hotel. Owner Keith drove us up the mountain and explained some of the politics of living as an American on an island in the Caribbean (daughter trilingual and going to school here, and in the States, and mother is Dutch…foreigners want to keep dirt roads filled with potholes, while natives would LOVE to be able to have paved roads…) We had 3 snorkeling/kayaking guides who got us loaded up and walked across to the crystal blue waters lapping up on the beach. While waiting, I noticed my Baby staring at this Honduran guy standing off to the side. As he was not AT ALL his type (read: ugly and looking mostly like he was reeree and stemming on the feeling of his finger up his nose), I wondered out loud what he was looking at.
“You didn’t see that?” he asked.
“No…he cruisin’ you? Looking for a bit o’ the White meat?”
“No…he kept holding his thumb to his nose, then putting his fingers together like he was smoking something. I think he was trying to sell me drgs right here on the beach.”
“Typical. You get that a lot when we’re on vacation. Druggie.”
Sadly, that is the case with us when we are in the nations that traffick heavily in drugs. In Cancun alone, within a few blocks, Baby was offered crack, pot, a whore (the dealers’ sister) and a one-legged whore (his brother, once he got the gist that we were gay.
So we slip on our gear and climb into the water with the beginners’ group (I’m prone to foot cramps and slow swimming, so Babyman thought it prudent.) We saw turtles, spiny lobster, and clownfish, plus a long blue Jack. About an hour later we swam back to the beach and headed to the hotel for lunch. The house parrot greeted us, while the house Lab pretty much wandered around getting petted and scratched behind his ears. The house rat stayed in his/her/its cage and just ate while we waited for lunch. Yes…pet rat. About 10 pounds, huge brown, and kinda creepy, they had him perched in a cage near the patio lounge where patrons ate.
Kayaking began after lunch, and we rowed from our beach about a mile down to a stopping point, where we rested and strolled around the beach area for a bit. I’m in decent shape, but I do not kayak every day, so my shoulders ached after a bit. Mostly because I was trying to keep the ship righted and my Boo was, I assume, doing the same thing. Whatever the case may have been, there was way too much work involved and we still had to paddle back. Ouch.
The paddle back was easier, as we stayed a little closer to the shore, but I will pay for it in suffering for the next few days. When we returned, we had about an hour to kill before we returned to the ship, so we walked around the little city and shopped a bit and took pictures of the plants and vegetation. We returned just in time to board the bus and ride back to the ship, with freshly minted copies of “Twilight” and “The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas” on DVD. Who knew Honduras got DVD’s before the rest of the world?
The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Lunch, ping pong, miniature golf, nap, dinner, then walking around the ship awhile before bed. The evening was lovely and the weather near-perfect, so we set sail through the night for the next location: Costa Maya.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Day Three of the Cruise
My ass hurts…and not in a good way. Just sayin’… Frankly, after dodgeball and the number of flights of stairs we climbed “to prove you can get some exercise and enjoy the cruise…” my ass is a rock-hard work of art. Kiss that, Buns of Steel!
Day Three was another cruise day at sea because one of our engines wasn’t working, so we had to reroute our trip and sail on to Honduras first. Day three was kinda fun. Nothing at all like relaxing all day…we didn’t do that, of course, but there is nothing in the world like it. I believe we got up at about 10:30am, because the bed felt sooooooooooooo good. After ambling upstairs for what was left of breakfast, we found ourselves up on the deck, and as the sun had decided to join us on the vacation that day, we decided to lay out. Happily, the cruise ship we are on is made up mostly of the older cruise traveler and the out-of-shape cruise traveler, so bearing my 38 y.o. body on the deck was usually not a major issue. I’m still in shape-ish and despite my recent additional carry-on luggage, waistside, I still look okay in a swimsuit…at least I thought so until the Gay Tour Group hit the decks. Nothing like judgment and the Gay Onceover to make you feel a little more subconscious about your body. And, might I add…bitch better look like Mario Lopez in a thong before you give me the G.O. and add a tsk tsk. Just sayin’. Unfortunately, in addition to the short, squat Gays, the bear/otter Gays, and the February/December Gay couples onboard, there were the occasional youngish I-am-or-once-was-a-male-swimsuit-model-and-only-have-2% bodyfat Gays in their tiny Speedos and party cowboy hats on deck lounging with their slightly older BFs. I envy, and hate only because I envy. Believe me, that couple didn’t get a tsk tsk from Chubby Haterstein.
We chatted with a couple of our tablemates, Paul and Greg, about the dodgeball tournament that afternoon. Paul had wanted to play, so I thought we’d go up and support him. Paul and Greg, we originally believed to be a couple, turned out to be just good Gay friends who travel well together. Paul, a 40ish Asian engineer is single and seems to have a laizee-faire attitude about the cruise. Been there, done that. Greg, late 30s, White, and partnered, seemed to just be enjoying the cruise and the vacation (ed. note: WHO WOULDN’T?!?) We ate a quick lunch, then ventured off to watch the dodgeball game. I did not warn either Paul or Keith (one of our other tablemates) about how taxing the game actually was. (Ed. note: I’m still sore from the game…) We watched and took photos and then somehow got conned into a game of ping pong. Filed under “Little things you learn about your partner after 12 years of togetherness…” my Baby loves him some ping pong. He would love to play for hours, until he either got good at it or he actually beat me. I have a strong feeling that if he ever actually beat me, he’d be okay with setting his paddle down and not playing me again, but he’d still find someone else to want to play with. What he doesn’t know (and I have no intention of actually admitting to him) is that my formative years were spent in a youth center, honing my skills at ping pong, pool, bumper pool, and air hockey. I don’t play and let him get points, but he’d have so little fun if I actually tried to kick his ass, so each day the game plays until 20 and I’m undefeated.
We had a Broadway stage show and listened to some wonderful singers perform hits from Evita, Cats, Starlight Express, Dreamgirls, Chicago and more. Awkward moment of the show: colorblind casting is interesting to watch when you have a young chubby White woman singing “One Night Only – The Disco Version” with her two Supremes, then follow it up with another Black diva singing “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going.” All in all, the show was really well done.
Dinner was casual in the dining room, so we headed straight from the show to dinner with our full table, Will and Denise, Paul and Greg, and Keith and Beverly. It gave us an opportunity to get to know each of them better. Denise is a hoot. She really is just fun, lively, bubbly and just a warm person. She keeps our head waiter, Romeo, in line and on his toes all night. She’s married to Will (32 years), an Air Force guy, and they have 12 children (5 special needs). Amazing people. Keith and Beverly have been together about 12 years, but aren’t married. Keith is an engineer of sorts, for a bridge-building firm and Beverly is in accounting.
Dinner and conversation finished, we headed to the Promenade level for the ship’s Mardi Gras festivities. They cordoned off both sides of the walkway, then had their own Mardi Gras parade, complete with beads and streamers and costumes. It was the PG version of Bourbon Street, so no boobies were flashed for beads (thank GOD). We hung out with Greg and Paul and watched the hotties from the cruise ship’s productions parade down the main runway dressed like escapees from a revival of the Village People. (I started to say a Gay revival, but that woulda been redundant…)
After the Mardi Gras parade, we decided to go to bed and get some rest because the next day we were actually going to have to do something, so we headed back to our room, ordered room service, then crawled into bed. Next day: Roatan, Honduras!
Day Three was another cruise day at sea because one of our engines wasn’t working, so we had to reroute our trip and sail on to Honduras first. Day three was kinda fun. Nothing at all like relaxing all day…we didn’t do that, of course, but there is nothing in the world like it. I believe we got up at about 10:30am, because the bed felt sooooooooooooo good. After ambling upstairs for what was left of breakfast, we found ourselves up on the deck, and as the sun had decided to join us on the vacation that day, we decided to lay out. Happily, the cruise ship we are on is made up mostly of the older cruise traveler and the out-of-shape cruise traveler, so bearing my 38 y.o. body on the deck was usually not a major issue. I’m still in shape-ish and despite my recent additional carry-on luggage, waistside, I still look okay in a swimsuit…at least I thought so until the Gay Tour Group hit the decks. Nothing like judgment and the Gay Onceover to make you feel a little more subconscious about your body. And, might I add…bitch better look like Mario Lopez in a thong before you give me the G.O. and add a tsk tsk. Just sayin’. Unfortunately, in addition to the short, squat Gays, the bear/otter Gays, and the February/December Gay couples onboard, there were the occasional youngish I-am-or-once-was-a-male-swimsuit-model-and-only-have-2% bodyfat Gays in their tiny Speedos and party cowboy hats on deck lounging with their slightly older BFs. I envy, and hate only because I envy. Believe me, that couple didn’t get a tsk tsk from Chubby Haterstein.
We chatted with a couple of our tablemates, Paul and Greg, about the dodgeball tournament that afternoon. Paul had wanted to play, so I thought we’d go up and support him. Paul and Greg, we originally believed to be a couple, turned out to be just good Gay friends who travel well together. Paul, a 40ish Asian engineer is single and seems to have a laizee-faire attitude about the cruise. Been there, done that. Greg, late 30s, White, and partnered, seemed to just be enjoying the cruise and the vacation (ed. note: WHO WOULDN’T?!?) We ate a quick lunch, then ventured off to watch the dodgeball game. I did not warn either Paul or Keith (one of our other tablemates) about how taxing the game actually was. (Ed. note: I’m still sore from the game…) We watched and took photos and then somehow got conned into a game of ping pong. Filed under “Little things you learn about your partner after 12 years of togetherness…” my Baby loves him some ping pong. He would love to play for hours, until he either got good at it or he actually beat me. I have a strong feeling that if he ever actually beat me, he’d be okay with setting his paddle down and not playing me again, but he’d still find someone else to want to play with. What he doesn’t know (and I have no intention of actually admitting to him) is that my formative years were spent in a youth center, honing my skills at ping pong, pool, bumper pool, and air hockey. I don’t play and let him get points, but he’d have so little fun if I actually tried to kick his ass, so each day the game plays until 20 and I’m undefeated.
We had a Broadway stage show and listened to some wonderful singers perform hits from Evita, Cats, Starlight Express, Dreamgirls, Chicago and more. Awkward moment of the show: colorblind casting is interesting to watch when you have a young chubby White woman singing “One Night Only – The Disco Version” with her two Supremes, then follow it up with another Black diva singing “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going.” All in all, the show was really well done.
Dinner was casual in the dining room, so we headed straight from the show to dinner with our full table, Will and Denise, Paul and Greg, and Keith and Beverly. It gave us an opportunity to get to know each of them better. Denise is a hoot. She really is just fun, lively, bubbly and just a warm person. She keeps our head waiter, Romeo, in line and on his toes all night. She’s married to Will (32 years), an Air Force guy, and they have 12 children (5 special needs). Amazing people. Keith and Beverly have been together about 12 years, but aren’t married. Keith is an engineer of sorts, for a bridge-building firm and Beverly is in accounting.
Dinner and conversation finished, we headed to the Promenade level for the ship’s Mardi Gras festivities. They cordoned off both sides of the walkway, then had their own Mardi Gras parade, complete with beads and streamers and costumes. It was the PG version of Bourbon Street, so no boobies were flashed for beads (thank GOD). We hung out with Greg and Paul and watched the hotties from the cruise ship’s productions parade down the main runway dressed like escapees from a revival of the Village People. (I started to say a Gay revival, but that woulda been redundant…)
After the Mardi Gras parade, we decided to go to bed and get some rest because the next day we were actually going to have to do something, so we headed back to our room, ordered room service, then crawled into bed. Next day: Roatan, Honduras!
Day Two of the Cruise
We are some sleep-deprived people. This realization struck me when my Baby decided to try to dunn me for sleeping too late in the morning. I’d set the phone system to wake us up at 7:15am. Baby’s a.m. rant started at 9a.m.. What’s funny is that he really did want to go back to sleep, but breakfast was ending, so we had to get up. We hit the Windjammer and had buffet breakfast (which I love because I can’t begin to tell you how happy it makes me to eat in peace and not have to spend the entire time talking and getting to know people). That led to a walk on deck and then a cruise thru the promenade to shop at the overpriced shops.
We headed back in and had lunch with 2 lovely couples at the formal dining room. Small talk is always difficult for me in a forced eating setting, but it was okay. Get two or three Southern ladies over the age of 30 together and they can carry a conversation for HOURS if you let them. Jack is truly in his element there, especially when he gets to talk to older ladies. She offered us two tickets to the Ice Capades onboard, so we had a plan for the afternoon.
After lunch, we decided to try out the sundeck and read and get a little sun. The pool area was hosting a Men’s Sexy Legs contest that quickly devolved into geriatric men and men old enough to know better, gyrating in the faces of the poor women who’d volunteered to judge. The ship is awash in hotties, but apparently they were too busy working on their tans and lounging in their squarecuts to want to compete in the Sexy Legs contest. We found two beach chairs, pulled up to the edge, and lounged for hours, even managing to fall asleep. I’d decided to play in the dodgeball tournament, which, in hindsight, might have been better played after stretching and a drink. I had fun, while the hubby decided to sit and watch, which may have been the best decision he’s made in his life. I’m still sore, and I have snorkeling and hiking and kayaking to do this week. Ugh.
The ice show was next and featured a guest appearance by Annette, one of our lunchtime tablemates. Photos from the show are available. We had a beverage of the day (Uhhh…I can’t remember what it was called, but it did have mango rum in it, so it was remotely yum). We finished the show and came back to the room to rest for dinner (YES I SAID REST FOR DINNER…Shut up.) Woke up for dinner at 7:30 and made it to our table on time. Now…we’ve had wonderful experiences with table mates at the dinners. We’ve had some horrific experiences. After getting booted from our table by a homophobic group, we’re kinda gunshy about dinner. We were pleasantly surprised to find we weren’t the only gay couple onboard, and we weren’t the only gay couple at our table. Greg and Paul are Dallasites, Beverly and Keith are from I don’t know, and Denise and Will are from TX. Everyone was lovely. Jack even had difficulty holding court at the table, as Paul appears to be just a little more Alpha Gay, at the moment. I anticipate that that will change. I’ll keep you posted.
Okay…I love the karaoke, and the plan for the evening was to compete in the ship’s karaoke tournament. Let’s just say that the competition was either dreadful or ridiculously good. No real in between. Singers on holiday or wives singing to their husbands in the key of off. Plus, on a ship full of Texans, I could sense the tide turning toward Karaoke Country Idol. Even the one country song I’m fairly comfortable with was sung by a lady onboard, so that killed it for me that night. I may try my hand at it another night, but for now…I’ll let the future Garths and Waylons have the stage.
We headed off to bed and room service (SHUT UP!!! Sunbathing and walking the length of the ship makes you hungry.) We had another day at sea to look forward to, so we would need the rest.
We headed back in and had lunch with 2 lovely couples at the formal dining room. Small talk is always difficult for me in a forced eating setting, but it was okay. Get two or three Southern ladies over the age of 30 together and they can carry a conversation for HOURS if you let them. Jack is truly in his element there, especially when he gets to talk to older ladies. She offered us two tickets to the Ice Capades onboard, so we had a plan for the afternoon.
After lunch, we decided to try out the sundeck and read and get a little sun. The pool area was hosting a Men’s Sexy Legs contest that quickly devolved into geriatric men and men old enough to know better, gyrating in the faces of the poor women who’d volunteered to judge. The ship is awash in hotties, but apparently they were too busy working on their tans and lounging in their squarecuts to want to compete in the Sexy Legs contest. We found two beach chairs, pulled up to the edge, and lounged for hours, even managing to fall asleep. I’d decided to play in the dodgeball tournament, which, in hindsight, might have been better played after stretching and a drink. I had fun, while the hubby decided to sit and watch, which may have been the best decision he’s made in his life. I’m still sore, and I have snorkeling and hiking and kayaking to do this week. Ugh.
The ice show was next and featured a guest appearance by Annette, one of our lunchtime tablemates. Photos from the show are available. We had a beverage of the day (Uhhh…I can’t remember what it was called, but it did have mango rum in it, so it was remotely yum). We finished the show and came back to the room to rest for dinner (YES I SAID REST FOR DINNER…Shut up.) Woke up for dinner at 7:30 and made it to our table on time. Now…we’ve had wonderful experiences with table mates at the dinners. We’ve had some horrific experiences. After getting booted from our table by a homophobic group, we’re kinda gunshy about dinner. We were pleasantly surprised to find we weren’t the only gay couple onboard, and we weren’t the only gay couple at our table. Greg and Paul are Dallasites, Beverly and Keith are from I don’t know, and Denise and Will are from TX. Everyone was lovely. Jack even had difficulty holding court at the table, as Paul appears to be just a little more Alpha Gay, at the moment. I anticipate that that will change. I’ll keep you posted.
Okay…I love the karaoke, and the plan for the evening was to compete in the ship’s karaoke tournament. Let’s just say that the competition was either dreadful or ridiculously good. No real in between. Singers on holiday or wives singing to their husbands in the key of off. Plus, on a ship full of Texans, I could sense the tide turning toward Karaoke Country Idol. Even the one country song I’m fairly comfortable with was sung by a lady onboard, so that killed it for me that night. I may try my hand at it another night, but for now…I’ll let the future Garths and Waylons have the stage.
We headed off to bed and room service (SHUT UP!!! Sunbathing and walking the length of the ship makes you hungry.) We had another day at sea to look forward to, so we would need the rest.
Day One of the Cruise to the Caribbean
Lazy, sleepy and kinda tired from packing (yes TIRED…it is ridiculous how tiring it is to put outfits together and then edit, edit, edit…) we got up for the drive from Dallas to Galveston. The ship departed from Galveston at 5pm, so we figured we needed to be up and running to give us some additional time, by 8ish. The 5 hour drive could be done kinda casually, and worst case scenario, we hit traffic somewhere and we have a little coosh time to make it up.
I’m gonna say this with just a skosh of anger…
I FREAKIN’ HATE HOUSTON, TX. There, I said it. Our drive was going along really pretty smoothly. Actually, it was going so smoothly, I was falling asleep at the wheel. (Told you I was tired…I got 5 hours of sleep and couldn’t nap while we drove like some people.) Then we got just outside of the sh!thole that is Houston Texas and started to see the red lights. Not traffic signals, but brake lights. Apparently, the brilliant men and women of TxDoT decided to repair a bridge on THE ONLY MAJOR THOROUGHFARE TO HOUSTON on Sunday. Fine, I like the city actually putting our tax dollars to work to repair roads and stuff, because I sure don’t want bridge parts falling down on my car. But here is where Houston became a wasteland of the village idiots…we see construction signs and realize that the leftmost of 5 lanes was being closed. Fine…we move over as the traffic allows, then sit. And sit. And creep. Then sit. We’re thinking…maybe there was an accident. Maybe a car broke down waiting for traffic to open up. We are the state of the brokedown hooptie, so anything is possible. We crest the first hill and see more freakin’ lights. Next hill, 15 minutes later, and another lane seems to be closed.
Now the time is just after 3pm. We are getting increasingly worried and more and more irritated. We crest an additional hill (now 45 minutes into this adventure) and see that instead of just closing a lane or two, they have COMPLETELY SHUT DOWN THE ROAD, diverting traffic to the access road after
s l o o o o o o o o o o o o o o w l y teasing us with a lane closure or two! Fuckers. We, of course, want the road crews to be safe and not get randed over, but 45 IS THE ONLY ROUTE AROUND HOUSTON!!!!!! Chantal (or sassy GPS) was not about to have it and when we pulled of onto the access road, we got the silent treatment from our obviously pissed off sista of a GPS like “Ummmmhmmmm…you better be glad I can’t tell you where the hell to go, but you better know I’mma cuss you when I get a chance…”
As we passed the workcrew, 6 guys standing around on the bridge while 2 guys actually worked, I wondered if they actually could read the minds of the thousands of people silently hating them for their part in the traffic delays.
Okay, so we finally made it around the clusterf-ck that is Houston and start making time to our ship. We finally make it to Galveston and the ship after breaking a few land speed records to the repeated refrains of the Babyman nervously saying “Don’t get a ticket! Don’t get a ticket!” Late boarding kinda rocked (if it weren’t for the stress of the drive). We walked in, walked up to the desks of every stop involved, with almost no delay. In fact, we even made it just in time to do the ship drill, then head right off to explore the ship.
The Voyager of the Seas is AMAZING!!! It’s a huge gay ship. Major rooms are named after operas Carmen, La Boheme, The Magic Flute…Pictures will be posted, so you can enjoy the many wonders that is the Voyager of the Seas. We waited awhile for the luggage to arrive at our room, so we had to skip the 1st formal dinner. Downside: no gorging on steaks in front of the new people. Upside: we got to watch the Oscars kinda live!!!! We watched it on TNT on the Spanish language version (Ed. note: Wes, if you’re reading this, your show opener is the music for GA.Ma styling products out of Italy and every time we saw the commercial, I smiled a little.)
The show was wonderful, and whether you agree or not with the winners (screw you, but Heath Ledger did deserve the win), I thought the show was the best it’s been in ages and I loved the way the acting nominees were presented (and honored).
Tomorrow is a day at sea, so we plan to explore the ship and read a lot. *yawn*
I’m gonna say this with just a skosh of anger…
I FREAKIN’ HATE HOUSTON, TX. There, I said it. Our drive was going along really pretty smoothly. Actually, it was going so smoothly, I was falling asleep at the wheel. (Told you I was tired…I got 5 hours of sleep and couldn’t nap while we drove like some people.) Then we got just outside of the sh!thole that is Houston Texas and started to see the red lights. Not traffic signals, but brake lights. Apparently, the brilliant men and women of TxDoT decided to repair a bridge on THE ONLY MAJOR THOROUGHFARE TO HOUSTON on Sunday. Fine, I like the city actually putting our tax dollars to work to repair roads and stuff, because I sure don’t want bridge parts falling down on my car. But here is where Houston became a wasteland of the village idiots…we see construction signs and realize that the leftmost of 5 lanes was being closed. Fine…we move over as the traffic allows, then sit. And sit. And creep. Then sit. We’re thinking…maybe there was an accident. Maybe a car broke down waiting for traffic to open up. We are the state of the brokedown hooptie, so anything is possible. We crest the first hill and see more freakin’ lights. Next hill, 15 minutes later, and another lane seems to be closed.
Now the time is just after 3pm. We are getting increasingly worried and more and more irritated. We crest an additional hill (now 45 minutes into this adventure) and see that instead of just closing a lane or two, they have COMPLETELY SHUT DOWN THE ROAD, diverting traffic to the access road after
s l o o o o o o o o o o o o o o w l y teasing us with a lane closure or two! Fuckers. We, of course, want the road crews to be safe and not get randed over, but 45 IS THE ONLY ROUTE AROUND HOUSTON!!!!!! Chantal (or sassy GPS) was not about to have it and when we pulled of onto the access road, we got the silent treatment from our obviously pissed off sista of a GPS like “Ummmmhmmmm…you better be glad I can’t tell you where the hell to go, but you better know I’mma cuss you when I get a chance…”
As we passed the workcrew, 6 guys standing around on the bridge while 2 guys actually worked, I wondered if they actually could read the minds of the thousands of people silently hating them for their part in the traffic delays.
Okay, so we finally made it around the clusterf-ck that is Houston and start making time to our ship. We finally make it to Galveston and the ship after breaking a few land speed records to the repeated refrains of the Babyman nervously saying “Don’t get a ticket! Don’t get a ticket!” Late boarding kinda rocked (if it weren’t for the stress of the drive). We walked in, walked up to the desks of every stop involved, with almost no delay. In fact, we even made it just in time to do the ship drill, then head right off to explore the ship.
The Voyager of the Seas is AMAZING!!! It’s a huge gay ship. Major rooms are named after operas Carmen, La Boheme, The Magic Flute…Pictures will be posted, so you can enjoy the many wonders that is the Voyager of the Seas. We waited awhile for the luggage to arrive at our room, so we had to skip the 1st formal dinner. Downside: no gorging on steaks in front of the new people. Upside: we got to watch the Oscars kinda live!!!! We watched it on TNT on the Spanish language version (Ed. note: Wes, if you’re reading this, your show opener is the music for GA.Ma styling products out of Italy and every time we saw the commercial, I smiled a little.)
The show was wonderful, and whether you agree or not with the winners (screw you, but Heath Ledger did deserve the win), I thought the show was the best it’s been in ages and I loved the way the acting nominees were presented (and honored).
Tomorrow is a day at sea, so we plan to explore the ship and read a lot. *yawn*
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Male genital and rectal examination
For fans of PNS Explosion, you may wonder when Patrick got a medical degree.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
American Idol Week 1 Performances: A night of Sucktacular Song Choices
Hey Y'all!
We have finally gotten past the horrible auditions, the sad stories, and the ridiculous voices to get to the meat and potatoes of the American Idol season: the performances. Here's where the rubber meets the road and we get to see who is gonna make it and who we'll be forgetting in a month's time. I'll usually cover the performances, the song choices and the critiques to let you know who rocked, who tanked, and who made me cock my head to the side and say WTF?!? So, on with the armchair judgment...
Jackie Tohn (A Little Less Conversation)
She's our fun, rocker chick who got some airtime when during the auditions, the sunscreen collapsed nearly killing Simon.
Her performance was fun, but her vocals were just cheesy and I think the judges called her on it. It wasn't a singer's song and she's gonna get bit for for it.
Ricky Braddy (A Song for You)
Ricky didn't get any real airtime during the audition stage, so his voice was a revelation when he began this soul standard. He has an amazing voice and he did a really good job with the song, making some interesting choices with phrasing. In any other season's performances, this would have been a standout and I hope the voters remember him.
Alexis Grace (Never Loved a Man)
She's the single mother with the shock of pink in her blonde pixie locks that showed impressive soul during her auditions. I'm always impressed when a singer chooses songs by the "greats" because it's always a ballsy move. Forget the judges...they say "Never choose a song by one of the Untouchables," then turn right around to say the song choice was "safe." I say, go balls out or get reamed for being forgettable. She did a good job with the song. Was her voice truly big enough for the song? Nope. Did it do enough to make us remember her? Yep.
Brent Keith (Hick Town)
"Dimples" sent Paula and Kara under the table during the audition round, splitting the judges along the gender lines. He's cute, obviously a singer with a voice that impressed the judges, and he wants to sing country. This song choice sucked. It was "supposed" to have energy. It didn't. It was supposed to be a barn-burner. It wasn't. It was boring and safe. He tried to defend the song as a song country fans would like. Well, I disagree. There are oodles of country songs with more fire and show a broader range than this sleeper did. Snore.
Stevie Wright (You Belong With Me)
Our first WTF?!? moment came from our teen contestant. After getting the mindfuck from the judges that she sang old songs too well and she needed to sing younger, fresher material, she tried this Taylor Swift tragedy. Taylor Swift?!? She writes lovely, teenage angst songs, but IS NOT A SINGER TO MODEL YOURSELF AFTER!!!!! Add to it a performance that was scared, awkward, and pretty hard to watch and we have our first true casualty of Season 8.
Anoop Desani (Angel of Mine)
Indian soul singer decided to go with a Brandy ballad. He did a really good job with the song, but was it the right song to set him heads above the competition? I doubt it. Again, it was a good song and a better song choice than most, but there are better songs for America to be introduced to your voice. This was not boring, but also not truly memorable.
Casey Carlson (Every Little Thing She Does is Magic)
In our second WTF?!? moment, this young girl decided to tackle The Police hit. Credit for balls. No credit for trying to turn the song into some girly, country type of thing. Add to that the pagenty facial expressions, and you get an awful performance that actually made me cringe.
Michael Sarver (I Don't Want to Be)
Our ruffneck from Jasper "We Drag Black Folks Behind our Trucks" Texas, opted to sing a song that had more power than he did. Rarely do the guys get a song that we hear and say that their voice isn't big enough for, but here ya go. He tried to build up to it and it just didn't work.
Anne Marie Boscovitch (Natural Woman)
This season's Katherine McPhee decided to do a combination of the Carole King and Aretha Franklin versions of this classic. She has a really good voice, but something about it was off. I tell you... by this point in the show, I was wondering if the judges really made the right decisions with the singers they chose.
Stephen Fowler (Rock with You)
Our final WTF moment came when our edgy Black singer of the season, who forgot his lyrics at the piano during the auditions, decided to tackle this Michael Jackson classic. Now...I have to say, while there aren't any classics I don't think a singer should try, there are some songs that truly belong in a time and a place and to one singer, because unless you plan on making it fresh and new (FOB's version of "Beat It" for example), you always come off sounding like a sucky version of the original. This was a HOT MESS. It was very "Bad lounge singer" and it will not send him ahead.
Tatiana Del Toro (Saving All My Love For You)
Our Season 8 Sanjaya decided to try out a Whitney original from the 80s. As much as I can't stand the drama queen in her, she actually has a decent voice. Actually one of the better voices of the night. The judges made much of her subdued look and attitude (no crazy crying and giggling tonight...prolly because she went home and watched the tapes and saw just how crazy she looked). Still, just before the break, she managed to show us a glimpse of the crazy, selling herself to America and cockblocking Ryan's close of the segment.
Danny Goeke (Hero)
The widowed choir director who auditioned with his friend and made it to the Top 36 sang this Mariah single and was MILES ahead of each and every singer last night. The arrangement was crappy, trying to fit into the 1:20min time frame, but it was like watching a masterclass on how to audition. Amazing! I already have a favorite for Season 8.
Who should go forward:
Danny and Alexis plus Ricky
Who is in trouble:
Stevie, Casey, and Stephen
Wanna hear the performances? Go to Itunes and again you can purchase or listen to each individual performance or Check out YouTube for the videos.
We have finally gotten past the horrible auditions, the sad stories, and the ridiculous voices to get to the meat and potatoes of the American Idol season: the performances. Here's where the rubber meets the road and we get to see who is gonna make it and who we'll be forgetting in a month's time. I'll usually cover the performances, the song choices and the critiques to let you know who rocked, who tanked, and who made me cock my head to the side and say WTF?!? So, on with the armchair judgment...
Jackie Tohn (A Little Less Conversation)
She's our fun, rocker chick who got some airtime when during the auditions, the sunscreen collapsed nearly killing Simon.
Her performance was fun, but her vocals were just cheesy and I think the judges called her on it. It wasn't a singer's song and she's gonna get bit for for it.
Ricky Braddy (A Song for You)
Ricky didn't get any real airtime during the audition stage, so his voice was a revelation when he began this soul standard. He has an amazing voice and he did a really good job with the song, making some interesting choices with phrasing. In any other season's performances, this would have been a standout and I hope the voters remember him.
Alexis Grace (Never Loved a Man)
She's the single mother with the shock of pink in her blonde pixie locks that showed impressive soul during her auditions. I'm always impressed when a singer chooses songs by the "greats" because it's always a ballsy move. Forget the judges...they say "Never choose a song by one of the Untouchables," then turn right around to say the song choice was "safe." I say, go balls out or get reamed for being forgettable. She did a good job with the song. Was her voice truly big enough for the song? Nope. Did it do enough to make us remember her? Yep.
Brent Keith (Hick Town)
"Dimples" sent Paula and Kara under the table during the audition round, splitting the judges along the gender lines. He's cute, obviously a singer with a voice that impressed the judges, and he wants to sing country. This song choice sucked. It was "supposed" to have energy. It didn't. It was supposed to be a barn-burner. It wasn't. It was boring and safe. He tried to defend the song as a song country fans would like. Well, I disagree. There are oodles of country songs with more fire and show a broader range than this sleeper did. Snore.
Stevie Wright (You Belong With Me)
Our first WTF?!? moment came from our teen contestant. After getting the mindfuck from the judges that she sang old songs too well and she needed to sing younger, fresher material, she tried this Taylor Swift tragedy. Taylor Swift?!? She writes lovely, teenage angst songs, but IS NOT A SINGER TO MODEL YOURSELF AFTER!!!!! Add to it a performance that was scared, awkward, and pretty hard to watch and we have our first true casualty of Season 8.
Anoop Desani (Angel of Mine)
Indian soul singer decided to go with a Brandy ballad. He did a really good job with the song, but was it the right song to set him heads above the competition? I doubt it. Again, it was a good song and a better song choice than most, but there are better songs for America to be introduced to your voice. This was not boring, but also not truly memorable.
Casey Carlson (Every Little Thing She Does is Magic)
In our second WTF?!? moment, this young girl decided to tackle The Police hit. Credit for balls. No credit for trying to turn the song into some girly, country type of thing. Add to that the pagenty facial expressions, and you get an awful performance that actually made me cringe.
Michael Sarver (I Don't Want to Be)
Our ruffneck from Jasper "We Drag Black Folks Behind our Trucks" Texas, opted to sing a song that had more power than he did. Rarely do the guys get a song that we hear and say that their voice isn't big enough for, but here ya go. He tried to build up to it and it just didn't work.
Anne Marie Boscovitch (Natural Woman)
This season's Katherine McPhee decided to do a combination of the Carole King and Aretha Franklin versions of this classic. She has a really good voice, but something about it was off. I tell you... by this point in the show, I was wondering if the judges really made the right decisions with the singers they chose.
Stephen Fowler (Rock with You)
Our final WTF moment came when our edgy Black singer of the season, who forgot his lyrics at the piano during the auditions, decided to tackle this Michael Jackson classic. Now...I have to say, while there aren't any classics I don't think a singer should try, there are some songs that truly belong in a time and a place and to one singer, because unless you plan on making it fresh and new (FOB's version of "Beat It" for example), you always come off sounding like a sucky version of the original. This was a HOT MESS. It was very "Bad lounge singer" and it will not send him ahead.
Tatiana Del Toro (Saving All My Love For You)
Our Season 8 Sanjaya decided to try out a Whitney original from the 80s. As much as I can't stand the drama queen in her, she actually has a decent voice. Actually one of the better voices of the night. The judges made much of her subdued look and attitude (no crazy crying and giggling tonight...prolly because she went home and watched the tapes and saw just how crazy she looked). Still, just before the break, she managed to show us a glimpse of the crazy, selling herself to America and cockblocking Ryan's close of the segment.
Danny Goeke (Hero)
The widowed choir director who auditioned with his friend and made it to the Top 36 sang this Mariah single and was MILES ahead of each and every singer last night. The arrangement was crappy, trying to fit into the 1:20min time frame, but it was like watching a masterclass on how to audition. Amazing! I already have a favorite for Season 8.
Who should go forward:
Danny and Alexis plus Ricky
Who is in trouble:
Stevie, Casey, and Stephen
Wanna hear the performances? Go to Itunes and again you can purchase or listen to each individual performance or Check out YouTube for the videos.
Kelly Clarkson - Chivas - Sydney, Australia
The reason I go back to this song in my head is it's one of those perfect breakup songs where you just say "fuck you" to the one who really pissed you off and broke your heart. It is alos one of my personal American Idol audition songs (were I able to actually audition for AI).
Kelly Clarkson - My Life Would Suck Without You
I am SO singing this song in the shower daily! Loves it!
If you can't understand why she was the American Idol, you can't appreciate a great singer.
Monday, February 16, 2009
A 15-Year-Old Slut Who Is NOT Miley Cyrus!
A 15-Year-Old Slut Who Is NOT Miley Cyrus!Filed under: Baby Blabber > Wacky, Tacky & True
Remember how we told you about 13-year-old Alfie Patten, who is now a father with his 15-year-old girlfriend?
Well, now 2 other teen boys are coming forward to contest Alfie's paternity!
Um, paging Maury!
But new mom Chantelle Steadman says that only Alfie can be the father because "I love Alfie. I lost my virginity to him. We decided to start a physical relationship because we love each other. There has been no one else."
16-year-old Richard Goodsell and 14-year-old Tyler Barker, however, each claim to be newborn Maisie's father. Barker even said, "It was routine for boys to stay over with Chantelle in her bed. But I only slept with her the once."
Yikes!
Not only that, but the boys claim any number of teenaged lads in the Old Town estate in Eastbourne, East Sussex in England could be the father.
Alfie insists, "I am the only boyfriend Chantelle’s had — and we’ve been together for two years. I must be the dad."
To put the rumors to rest, Alfie has agreed to take a DNA test to prove his paternity, even though he previously had no idea what a DNA test is.
This sounds like a reality show in the making!
Remember how we told you about 13-year-old Alfie Patten, who is now a father with his 15-year-old girlfriend?
Well, now 2 other teen boys are coming forward to contest Alfie's paternity!
Um, paging Maury!
But new mom Chantelle Steadman says that only Alfie can be the father because "I love Alfie. I lost my virginity to him. We decided to start a physical relationship because we love each other. There has been no one else."
16-year-old Richard Goodsell and 14-year-old Tyler Barker, however, each claim to be newborn Maisie's father. Barker even said, "It was routine for boys to stay over with Chantelle in her bed. But I only slept with her the once."
Yikes!
Not only that, but the boys claim any number of teenaged lads in the Old Town estate in Eastbourne, East Sussex in England could be the father.
Alfie insists, "I am the only boyfriend Chantelle’s had — and we’ve been together for two years. I must be the dad."
To put the rumors to rest, Alfie has agreed to take a DNA test to prove his paternity, even though he previously had no idea what a DNA test is.
This sounds like a reality show in the making!
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